Hangnail
by randomname25
Summary: House gets a hangnail, and you won't believe the events that follow. One shot.


Hangnail

It was an ordinary day at PPTH: the ducklings were in the meeting room, making coffee, doing crosswords, and arguing. Foreman and Chase were too absorbed in their banter to notice House enter the room, but Cameron picked up on it instantly.

"59 year old male, headaches, stomach aches, delusions," she began to read from a file.

But House wasn't listening. He was too busy picking at his thumbnail, the one that had been bothering him for hours now. About half of it was off already, and now the jagged feel of it was inexplicably irritating. If he had a pair of nail clippers he would take of it, and he could wait. But sometimes people do things they regret...

Cameron continued, "infuriating smirking, witch-like cackling, erectile

dysfunction, impaired decision making skills, personality defects--"

"God damn it!" House interrupted.

"What is it?" she asked, as though his leg might have fallen off.

"I've got a hangnail!"

"President Bush is dying and all you care about is your hangnail!"

"He's not dying; he's just a Republican!" House retorted.

"It's the pills, isn't it?" Foreman chimed in. "They're blocking your

medical judgment so patients die!"

"Fo shizzle. Send 'Bushy' up to the psych ward. The country's going to be just fine."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Foreman demanded.

"I've got a hangnail; did you not get the memo?"

"I did not go to medical school for this!" Foreman stormed across the room to grab his jacket, but accidentally scratched his finger while taking it off the hook. He looked at his index finger in horror.

"Feel my pain now?" House asked evilly.

"NOOO!" he shouted. "I've seen so many others fall... bu-bu-but I never thought that it could happen to me."

Cameron's damaged-man radar started beeping like mad. "It's okay! I think I love you!" She ran over to comfort Foreman. But as she gave him a hug, her middle finger caught on his shirt.

"Are you okay?" Chase inquired worriedly.

"...I th-th-think so," she stuttered, assessing the damage. "It's easier to get a hangnail than to watch someone get a hangnail."

"Forget about your hangnails," House commanded. "We've got an epidemic on our fingers."

"Shouldn't we be worrying about our patient?" Cameron asked.

"This is a people hospital," House scoffed. "Anyway, we have to evacuate the building before everyone is subject to minor discomfort!"

"Oww!" Chase cried, while examining his ring finger. "I didn't snag my nail on anything!" Cameron ran over to reassure Chase.

"It's worse than I thought. Get everybody out of the hospital before Cameron emotionally babies them all!"

House limped down the hallway as fast as he could. Thankfully, he spotted Cuddy and explained the situation.

"You want me to evacuate the hospital because you and your staff have hangnails?" Cuddy asked in disbelief.

"It's spreading," he said with great importance. "Sure, it's just hangnails now, but it's going to escalate. First it's hangnails, then it's the hiccups and before you know it we'll have contagious paper cuts on our hands!"

"Oww!" she exclaimed, and looked at her pinky. "My, God, you're right!"

"I'm always right," House affirmed. "Now let's get everybody out!"

House and the ducklings scurried to each room, trying to get the uninfected out as quickly as possible. Some were thrown out windows, some were pulled from surgery and some were pulled from their bathroom activities. Still, everyone was out of the hospital, if not all in one piece.

But by the time they had the hospital evacuated, it was too late. Every man, woman, and child had a hangnail on their finger, and

Cameron was failing in comforting them all.

"Why isn't anyone helping me serve emotional chicken soup?" she demanded.

"Because saccharine is not my taste," House said dryly. "Sweet chicken soup is just nauseating."

Suddenly, Chase had an idea.

"I have an idea!" exclaimed Chase. He snatched a pair of scissors off an elderly lady and grabbed House's hand.

"Wow, Chase," House quipped. "I didn't know my life was a slash-fic with you."

"Find the root of problem," Chase said, as though he had memorized the words, "and treat it. Everything else will take care of itself." He took the scissors and cut off House's hangnail. Although House yelled in pain, everything fell into place. Everyone's nails went back to their original states, and a beautiful silence filled the hospital lawn. At last, Cuddy broke the silence.

"You killed 500 people because you had a hangnail!"

House nodded.

"And you don't feel any remorse," Cuddy asked incredulously. "You realize there's going to be a lawsuit, don't you?"

"Yeah," House yawned, looking at his thumb. "But at least I look good."

"Hey," Chase impeded. "I think we can all learn something from me. Ahem: 'a chance to cut House is a chance to cure.'"


End file.
